Thoughts from a not so idle mind about itself

When I first got home from my amazing time in Europe, I took off right away for the house in Truckee that my sister and I own, and spent some lovely mountain time there with friends and family. Then it was back to San Francisco where I was catching up with friends and trying to sort out my life.  Then down to Hollywood to celebrate the 30th birthday of one of my best friends, and then to Newport Beach to visit more family.  Finally, this past week I have sunk into major lay low mode.

This is what I have been doing for the most of the week: I watched 44 episodes of Glee until I was all caught up (just finished today actually). I have been making spritzers out of boxed white wine and 7-up. I’ve been reading Vogue and The Atlantic, and spending too much time on Facebook. I’ve also taken walks with the dogs, and been planning how I am going to decorate my new apartment which I am moving into the beginning of August. Sounds pretty rough, right?

Of course not but, me being me, there is usually always a lurking nagging feeling that I should be doing something. And WHY? For the next couple of weeks I don’t have a job or school, and I need downtime right now because law school is going to be tough. I’m going to be plenty busy soon. So some of my time this week was also spent thinking about this fact, and trying to make myself relax just a little bit more, or trying to get excited about doing something productive (like perhaps, organizing my pictures from the trip and posting about Berlin).

Finally it has sunk in. Or maybe I have finally accepted (is that not the same thing) the somewhat extreme duality of my personality. I am not bipolar or anything like that. I am not saying I am especially unique in this either.  I am simply talking about the confusion I have always felt by my desire to be on the go, working on a project, going out and being really social all the time versus the equally strong feeling that I want to seclude myself on an island, or forest retreat, and not have communication with anyone for at least a month. Maybe it’s a vicious cycle of burnout, and I need to find more balance. But that’s just it. I don’t like, nor want, to balance it. I also don’t necessarily think that, for me, one results from the other. It’s just how I normally feel, and at times I lean more one way than the other. Consciously realizing this puts me more at peace with it.

So now that I have worked that out (perhaps sounding a little crazy in the process), I am going back to reveling in being a major bum for the rest of this Saturday night. And if you have made it to the end of this neurotic post here’s a little Glee clip for your enjoyment (hehe, no really, it’s really good):

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